Borrowed Words

Sometimes I come across something that someone else has written and it was like they took what I am feeling and put words to it. The following post is one of those. I've been following Danielle LaPorte for a while and some posts I pass by while other, like this one, I swear she wrote just for me even though we've never met.

This post has become a bit of a mantra for me the past couple of weeks. A constant reminder that I am evolving, I can't see the finished product, I can't rush the process of being soup.

 

Enjoy!

Soul soup. (Keep this in mind when you’re falling apart.)

Let's Just Get One Thing Straight

I will never be a woman with the perfect hair, 
or the perfect skin with the perfect make-up, 
or the perfect body in the perfect outfit.

I will never have the perfect man, 
or the perfect children, 
or the perfect tiny dog.

I will never drive the perfect car, 
live in the perfect home, 
or work the perfect job.

I will never be the woman you want or expect me to become.
I will never take the path you think I should take.
I will never live my life the way you'd like me to.

I will never do or be these things because that is not who I am,
because your idea of me is not me,
because this is MY life.

Swimming Lessons

Tuesday I went to the first class of my 8 week adult swimming lessons at the YMCA. 

Let me first say that, yes I know how to swim and have been swimming since doing lessons as a kid. (I made it past red, but my older brother couldn't pass maroon and the thought of being in the same swimming level as his lil'sister was enough to make him want to stop going, and while my mom is super-amazing she was not a Super-Mom by today's standards and wasn't about to drive us all over town to different lessons - she ended up doing this anyways, so that was the point that I stopped swimming lessons, too.)

So, I can swim but I wanted to take some lessons. Mostly I wanted to get some coaching because I'm sure the technique - if you can even call it that - that I've developed over years of sporadic beach and lake trips isn't the most effective. And I want to get my shoulders & butt nice and strong for the trip that I'm planning for November (more to come about this soon - I promise!).

I've been excitedly telling everyone about doing this for the past week and then it's the day of the first class and I almost didn't go. I know it sounds crazy, but here's the thing running through my head that almost stopped me: 

I'm too fat and should NEVER be seen in a swimsuit. 

Seriously, this thought would not leave me alone. I love my body in how it gets me through my days & what I do; I love that I am shaped like a woman, full of those sharp curves that are so delicious; I love that it sees me into & out of all sorts of situations relatively unscathed. And yet, the first thing that popped into my head as I was getting ready to leave home that morning is that I don't want anyone to bear witness to the fatness of my ass, especially underwater! I'm not even kidding, I wish I were.

The only thing that kept me from bailing was the phrase that we've heard a million times from all directions: TO GET DIFFERENT RESULTS, YOU MUST TAKE DIFFERENT ACTIONS.  So, I put aside my fears and put a smile on my face and faked a sweet self-confidence I wish I possessed. And here's what happened:

I had so much fun! I met a girl (prettier, but less comfortable) and chatted easily until we got into the water and I turned into a fish. I was amazed at how easily my body remembered how to move and at how quickly I forgot about my body issues. Thinking about my stroke, my kicks, my breathing, my coordination, really left no room in my head to be worried about how my ass looked or if that hottie was checking me out. 

By the time I hit shower I didn't have to fake any self-confidence. It wasn't that I suddenly thought that "I AM THE BEST THING EVER," it was that I no longer cared about how anyone was judging me. I was learning to swim, dammit! and, you know what, I don't need to look like a super-model to do it

All Things at Once

I like the clean, clear, orderliness of either/or thinking; it provides easy systems to arrange the chaos into something manageable. A utensil is either a fork or a knife or a spoon. Simple. If it appears to be more than one of those, I can apply certain definitions to it to decide which one it is.

The problem with the either/or paradigm is that it is so constrictive and allows no room for Life's miracles. And I love Life's miracles, that's where Joy lives. Because of this love for Life's curiosities I have been cheating on either/or with my new lover and/both. And I've got to say, the grass is so much greener! So, after much deliberation, I've decided to cast away the idea of things needing to be either/or. I am breaking up with it, asking it to move out of my life, and I am walking off into the golden sunset hand-in-hand with and/both.

I am expanding my world view and embracing the magic that exists in duality, in the in-betweens. If we, as human beings, can exist as and/both, then why can't all things? The only reason things exist as one thing and not another is because I say so. So what if I change what I'm saying?

This was the reasoning for the re-invention of my blog. I had it in my head as being about one thing, and I had another blog about something else, but why can't this blog serve both ideas? Why can't it be as all encompassing as and/both? Why not? So, I blended, reposted, and whipped this into a new, organic, free-styling shape. This time without boundaries.

Because, really, it's about the journey, and things that come up along the way...

The Wagon

Ok, I admit it, I have a hard time keeping up with blogging. It's not something that I do regularly enough to make it into a habit yet and I just don't have the discipline to make it one. That's not true, I have the discipline, I just don't use it. I could make the usual excuses about life being busy and not having time to write anything witty enough to publish all that same old stuff we hear (and say) all the time. But it would be a lie and I don't want to lie to you, we're still getting to know each other and that's not the impression I want to give you about who I am.  I just fell off the blogging wagon is all, slipped back into my previous non-blogging life, but I've caught myself and now I'm back.

It's funny how easily that happens though, isn't it? I know for me it happens all the time. I'll make a resolution or a plan and I'll start out sticking to it like glue, and sometimes it lasts a long time this way, very diligent in my decision. But eventually I will let it slip; maybe just a little, usually a lot. It varies in how long it goes until I remember what it was I was trying to accomplish before I slipped back into my old ways.

Recently this has been happening with my eating. 

• I've slipped back into drinking caffeinated coffee, which surprisingly doesn't pick me up the way I remember it doing. I just love it first thing in the morning, and decaf just seems wrong at 7:00am on the way to work (and I don't like that the baristas look at me funny).
• I've been drinking a lot of alcohol, mostly just on the weekends, but it's been enough to make me think about what I'm doing. I'm still not back to drinking beer (wheat and yeast content) as the few times I've tried it I get pretty bad headaches the next day, although honestly I'm not sure that it's from the beer and not all the drinks I had before the beer. I must say though, it's really nice having weekends off and having fun with my friends over a couple drinks at the local pub.
• I haven't actually reintroduced wheat or dairy into my diet, but I have tried them a couple of times.  Wheat seems to be ok, dairy not so much. I still intend to properly test them as I want to know exactly what I can and can't eat but I am being lazy about the whole situation and am making out just fine without them in my diet.

So, there you have it. I am lazy all around these days. I'm not fighting it too much as the past eight months to two years have been crazy intense for me and I think I deserve a little down time. I know I'll find a way to create a balance and maintain and move forward where I want to without burning out like I have been. And this seems more essential to life right now than stressing about what I'm not but should be doing.

Have a great weekend! Relax. Don't feel bad about spending the day in bed, you deserve it just like I do.

The Pros & Cons of Being Single

Alright, there are times when being single is awesome and I am so glad to not have to deal with another person's shit because, quite frankly, sometimes mine is more than enough. And then there are other times when, well, when it just sucks. I'm sure there's a more eloquent way to put it, but I'm in a no-bullshit sort of mood, so let's just cut to the chase and say that it sucks because sometimes it does. You know what I mean, we've all been here. 

But, as always, it's a double edged sword, two sides of the same coin, however you want to say it. My mom, in her infinite wisdom,  would say that you can't have your cake and eat it too. And while I don't really agree with that statement I do understand what she's getting at, you can't always have it both ways.

And the thing is, I get it. I can't expect to come home from a long day at work and be quiet and not interact with anyone else until I'm good and ready to, and also have someone to cuddle into bed with. That's just being rude to the other person and no one wants that! There's this whole compromise thing, and well let's face it, sometimes that sucks, too.

When you are single you get the freedom to be as selfish as you want because there is no one else to think about but you. When you're in a relationship you have to think about how your actions will affect the other person. And then there's the balancing act of taking into consideration your happiness as well as your partner's. *Sigh* It's no wonder we all seem to have a hard time with this relationship-thing!

Also, on a side note, as I was looking for an image of a double-edged sword to make this post more visually stimulating for you, I got totally distracted by this hilarious rant! Here's the link, check it out because I think you will all enjoy it:

The Stupidest "Wise" Sayings Known to Man and How to Improve Them

Good Night!

And so, it begins...

My mother always told me, "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Right now I'm wondering, "Who the hell does God think I am??"

In the past six months my life has gone from sweet and simple (with hints of dull and boring) to a full throttle roller-coaster that you would definatley have to be-this-tall to ride!  I'm not complaining, in fact it's a very welcome change, it was just a bit unexpected. 

Four months ago I had recently moved back to Vancouver, I had just signed a one year lease on an amazing Yaletown apartment with my fiance, I was working for a very promising company, and everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to. 

Except for one thing: I was a zombie.

I woke up one day and was shocked at how a series of seemingly small comprimises over the years could have led me so far from where I wanted to be.  I didn't even know where I wanted to be, but I knew it wasn't where I was and that if I didn't make some drastic changes I would never get to find out.

The past three months have been dedicated to one thing: finding out What I Want.  I left my fiance of seven years, setting us both free to find our own paths.  I have enrolled in an eight month training program to change career industries.  And most recently, I broke the lease on my beautiful apartment, said good-bye to my view of False Creek and moved into a charming two bedroom apartment in a character house with a very good friend.

The best part: I AM ALIVE!!!