Borrowed Words

Sometimes I come across something that someone else has written and it was like they took what I am feeling and put words to it. The following post is one of those. I've been following Danielle LaPorte for a while and some posts I pass by while other, like this one, I swear she wrote just for me even though we've never met.

This post has become a bit of a mantra for me the past couple of weeks. A constant reminder that I am evolving, I can't see the finished product, I can't rush the process of being soup.

 

Enjoy!

Soul soup. (Keep this in mind when you’re falling apart.)

Let's Just Get One Thing Straight

I will never be a woman with the perfect hair, 
or the perfect skin with the perfect make-up, 
or the perfect body in the perfect outfit.

I will never have the perfect man, 
or the perfect children, 
or the perfect tiny dog.

I will never drive the perfect car, 
live in the perfect home, 
or work the perfect job.

I will never be the woman you want or expect me to become.
I will never take the path you think I should take.
I will never live my life the way you'd like me to.

I will never do or be these things because that is not who I am,
because your idea of me is not me,
because this is MY life.

All Things at Once

I like the clean, clear, orderliness of either/or thinking; it provides easy systems to arrange the chaos into something manageable. A utensil is either a fork or a knife or a spoon. Simple. If it appears to be more than one of those, I can apply certain definitions to it to decide which one it is.

The problem with the either/or paradigm is that it is so constrictive and allows no room for Life's miracles. And I love Life's miracles, that's where Joy lives. Because of this love for Life's curiosities I have been cheating on either/or with my new lover and/both. And I've got to say, the grass is so much greener! So, after much deliberation, I've decided to cast away the idea of things needing to be either/or. I am breaking up with it, asking it to move out of my life, and I am walking off into the golden sunset hand-in-hand with and/both.

I am expanding my world view and embracing the magic that exists in duality, in the in-betweens. If we, as human beings, can exist as and/both, then why can't all things? The only reason things exist as one thing and not another is because I say so. So what if I change what I'm saying?

This was the reasoning for the re-invention of my blog. I had it in my head as being about one thing, and I had another blog about something else, but why can't this blog serve both ideas? Why can't it be as all encompassing as and/both? Why not? So, I blended, reposted, and whipped this into a new, organic, free-styling shape. This time without boundaries.

Because, really, it's about the journey, and things that come up along the way...

Standing Still

I have always done life on warp-speed and tried to cram as much in as possible. Don't get me wrong, I still take time to rest and enjoy myself, but I've always got this feeling like if I'm not actively moving towards some goal then I'm not moving at all. And, like a shark, if I don't keep moving I will die.

In the past couple of months I've really been struggling with this. I've been getting restless and really, REALLY, wanting to do something, anything, that will help me get further down my path, but I can't figure out what I want to be doing. I keep getting advice about getting a job in the spa industry and utilizing my training. But my intuition keeps holding me back, it doesn't feel right. I love my job and I know there is something more for me to learn from it, now is not the time for me to be leaving.

And then my rational mind comes in with all its' helpful insights. Maybe I don't want to leave my job because I am comfortable and I really hate job hunting. Maybe I don't want to get a new job because I'm afraid of failing. Maybe... Maybe... over and over and over (I hate when it plays the devil's advocate with itself). They are all valid concerns and I took time to look at them all to see if there was any truth to them. And again my intuition kept telling me to take it slow and be certain, and I wasn't really certain about anything. Which led me down a dark tunnel.

I started to feel like I had failed. I had made too many bad choices and there was no coming back from the horrible mess I'd made of my life. I had become the disappointing child, which was always my brother's role until he got a really good job, got married and had the cutest baby girl in the world. This was new territory for me and I did not like it. It made making decisions even harder; would this just be one more regret? But I kept on going with my life. Being pleasant and engaged at work, hanging out with friends and family on the weekends, and generally having a lot of fun; but there was still this undercurrent of disharmony in me. 

Then a long-time friend asked if I wanted to grab brunch and pop into Banyan Books, of course I did! She wanted to look at tarot cards. Really? I said, Want to do a reading for me? haha... Sure! she said. Well, ok then! A lot of stuff came out of that reading, and some tears, but what has really stuck with me is that I DO need to go slow right now. This is not the time for big decisions or life changes, that was what the past 3 years were all about. Now it is time to chill out and stop rushing from one thing to the next, to just STOP. It's going to be pretty uncomfortable for you, she said. It already is, I replied. It's going to get worse. Awesome, cue tears.

The thing is, it's actually gotten a lot easier for me. Knowing that my intuition was right, as it usually is, and that not taking action is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. A lightness of spirit has settled over me as I no longer have to stress about finding another job or another course to dive into, I get to enjoy the summer (if it ever comes to Vancouver) and my 4 day work weeks without guilt or regret. To be affirmed that what I already knew inside was right for me at this place in time has been so calming to my restless spirit.

Going Backwards or Forwards?

With our North American focus on things being Bigger and Better and More, it may seem as though my life has taken a step backwards, or quite a few steps if you want to be exact. 

Three months ago I was getting my life set up to be working for a great company in one of the most beautiful cities, getting married to a wonderful man, and eventually having cute lil'babies.  For being nearly thirty years old, my life was pretty on track.  Of course, I was stressed out about money and making sure we could afford all the debt we had accrued from moving and living the "good life," but that was a compromise I was willing to make and besides, who doesn't worry about that? 

When I first left my fiance I really felt like I was moving in the wrong direction, and I was actually afraid that I would never get back to where I had been.  Every part of me was screaming "What are you doing?! You were so close!!!"  Slowly I came to see that at the rate we were going we were never going to be able to do any of the things that we had been wanting to do.  There would never be any money to get married in Mexico.  We would never feel like we could support me being on maternity leave or retraining for a career that would support us better and leave me more fulfilled.  He would have to give up his dreams of running his own studio and work at a more-or-less dead end job. I'm not saying that was the only future for us, but it was the most probable and as much as I believe in miracles I can't plan my life around them happening.

As I got some distance from the breakup I started to realize that I'm really no farther from having any of those things I wanted.  And the bonus is that my life is now on my track, and I get to call the shots and design the life I really want to be living.  As I am now taking steps forward in my life I am finding that what I want is coming easier to me.  It may still be a struggle to figure out what it is that I want, but once I do it usually just shows up!  To me, this is a sign that my life is moving in the right direction!