Do you ever get that homesick kind-of feeling? Do you ever get it when you're actually in your home? I do, and have been a lot lately.
I have long since reconciled myself to the fact that my parent's respective homes are not mine. When I think of going home, I think of going to my apartment. But when I get actually home sick I'm not really sure where I want to be.
It used to be that my heart wanted to go to our family home on the beach in Lower Gibson's. It's walls were as thin as paper in the winter, it was slowly falling into the ocean and it had more creepy-crawlies inside than out. It was just an old, run down beach cabin that had long since fallen into disrepair but it was ours and we all loved it for varying reasons. For me, it was where I did most of my growing up. During the weeks and later weekends in the summer I would find myself almost a different person leaving the cabin, as if somehow the beach and the cabin had taught me something about the universe and myself just by being there. Something about walking barefoot in the sand always seemed to awaken an awareness of something greater than myself in me, something that in that space actually became tangible and alive.
The cabin had been in our family for nearly 100 years and almost all of us had lived there at some point in our lives. We all knew that it was a magical place even if we never openly talked about it. It meant something different to each of us I think but for me it was home. It was where I wanted to be when I didn't want to be anywhere. It was where I was restored to who I am. It was where my dreams were born and where certain illusions died. It was my happy place, where I went in my head on nights I couldn't sleep or when the rest of the world was just too much to take.
It's been over two years since we said good-bye to our family beach house. And I still can't shake this homesick feeling. It usually comes up on days when I'm tired or sad and all I want is to go home, and suddenly I'm confused as to where that is. I think it takes more than just four walls and some stuff to create a home, but I'm not sure what exactly and I'm not sure where I'll find it.