Thursday, March 22, 2012

Who Am I?

This has always been the hardest question for me to answer. I hate the first day of a new course when I have to introduce myself by saying something about who I am. Or when I have to write a bio for an application or a website. I always get tongue tied and spend hours stressing over what to write.

So, it's really no surprise that I've been consumed by trying to figure out what to write for you. What would impress you? What would make me worth reading? Should I write something inspirational about starting over? Should I write something heart-wrenching about my experience of leaving the man of my dreams? Should I write something pretty and cute and witty; use nice sounding words to describe aspects of myself that don't mean anything? Honestly, I don't want to. I've tried doing that for three days and it's all felt like a lie wrapped in a bow, like maybe that way you won't notice. But you're smarter than that and I'm sure your bullshit detector is pretty finely honed. And really, what's the point?

Here's something: My life has shifted a lot in the past year and I've recently come to the understanding that I've been living my life by looking to other people to tell me who I am. It probably started out naturally enough in an effort to please my parents after their divorce when I was 11 years old or something else equally mundane. I became a person that took a long time to get to know and that was because it took me time to get to know you and then become the person I thought you wanted me to be. I became masterful at deflecting any personal questions and manipulating the conversation so that you would talk only of you as I quickly formed a persona that would be pleasing to you. And all this was done without you or me knowing it was happening. All I knew was that if I really was just me, it wouldn't be enough for you to stay, so I better come up with something better and fast!

All my life I've wanted something that could be just mine. Something that I could use to define myself as someone different. Something thrilling and wonderful I could use to talk about when people ask me who I am. But after nearly 20 years of trying on any idea of who I could be, and in the process killing off everything that was ever truly me, I've finally said "enough". 

Here's something else: I've spent a long and hard year figuring out what was left after getting myself untangled from anyone else. I have ripped away layers of identity and half-truths and pure crap until I could finally be left with who I am when I am just me. 

And you know what I found? I am the person I always wanted to be. I am kind and good with a knack for making people comfortable and relaxed. I have a personal compass that knows what I want and if I follow it I will have love and ease and laughter in my life. And I would rather be on my own than have to drastically change myself to be with anyone else. So if you don't want to stay, that's ok because I may have been good at pretending to be someone else but I am amazing at being just me.


  1. "I am the person I always wanted to be." That is precisely who you need to be; no more, no less, no way. Bravo!

  2. You are amazing and always have been. Your writing moves me and always has.