Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Going Backwards or Forwards?

With our North American focus on things being Bigger and Better and More, it may seem as though my life has taken a step backwards, or quite a few steps if you want to be exact. 

Three months ago I was getting my life set up to be working for a great company in one of the most beautiful cities, getting married to a wonderful man, and eventually having cute lil'babies.  For being nearly thirty years old, my life was pretty on track.  Of course, I was stressed out about money and making sure we could afford all the debt we had accrued from moving and living the "good life," but that was a compromise I was willing to make and besides, who doesn't worry about that? 

When I first left my fiance I really felt like I was moving in the wrong direction, and I was actually afraid that I would never get back to where I had been.  Every part of me was screaming "What are you doing?! You were so close!!!"  Slowly I came to see that at the rate we were going we were never going to be able to do any of the things that we had been wanting to do.  There would never be any money to get married in Mexico.  We would never feel like we could support me being on maternity leave or retraining for a career that would support us better and leave me more fulfilled.  He would have to give up his dreams of running his own studio and work at a more-or-less dead end job. I'm not saying that was the only future for us, but it was the most probable and as much as I believe in miracles I can't plan my life around them happening.

As I got some distance from the breakup I started to realize that I'm really no farther from having any of those things I wanted.  And the bonus is that my life is now on my track, and I get to call the shots and design the life I really want to be living.  As I am now taking steps forward in my life I am finding that what I want is coming easier to me.  It may still be a struggle to figure out what it is that I want, but once I do it usually just shows up!  To me, this is a sign that my life is moving in the right direction!

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