Friday, February 10, 2012

Flight Paths

The start of a new year always makes me look back and compare where I've been to where I am now. Not in a bad or good way but just to see where I've come from and what I've been through. This year it's been a bit of a weird process as I've gone through a tremendous amount of changes in the past couple of years. I feel like in some ways I've gone from having everything to having nothing, and in a lot of other ways I feel like I've gone from having nothing to having everything. I suppose, as with all things, it's all in how you look at it.

Two years ago I was in a very different space. I was engaged to a great guy, planning a wedding and a life in Montreal. I would spend my time daydreaming names for our imaginary children and working out tough decorating issues to create our imaginary dream house. It seemed like I was one of the lucky few who fall in love and then happily stay together. I did whatever I could to keep it that way, and was perfectly happy to have lost all concept of myself in order to maintain the relationship. I truly believed I was only a worthwhile person because he was my partner.

Last year I was in a place I had never been before. Recently single and almost thirty. And just starting to date, really for the first time in my life. I met a cute and very sweet guy on New Year's Eve and thanked my lucky stars that the first guy I was interested in actually wanted to date me too! Thank all the gods! Maybe I wouldn't spend the rest of my life alone and pathetic after all! In this new arena of a fresh relationship I was desperately uneducated. I sought advice from my new single girlfriends and tried to do what they would do. I repeatedly went against my instincts and common sense trying to be and do exactly what I thought he wanted from me. I truly believed that if I could just figure it out and become that woman we would be happy.

This year, I volunteered to spend New Year's Eve babysitting my adorable 10 month old niece. She was asleep by 7:30pm and I spent the rest of my night alone watching cheesy movies and reading. Bliss! There was no one wishing me happy New Year or texting kisses at midnight; no crazy party or holiday sex; on my own and there was no one else I wanted to be with. There had been party invitations that I refused; I couldn't stand the idea of one more night of drinking and forcing fun while trying to be like everyone else. And for once in my life I truly believe it's ok that I don't have anything figured out, it's ok that I don't know how I'm going to get where I'm going or when or with who, and it doesn't matter because that's not really the point. Right now I truly believe in RIght Now.

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