Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Standing Still

I have always done life on warp-speed and tried to cram as much in as possible. Don't get me wrong, I still take time to rest and enjoy myself, but I've always got this feeling like if I'm not actively moving towards some goal then I'm not moving at all. And, like a shark, if I don't keep moving I will die.

In the past couple of months I've really been struggling with this. I've been getting restless and really, REALLY, wanting to do something, anything, that will help me get further down my path, but I can't figure out what I want to be doing. I keep getting advice about getting a job in the spa industry and utilizing my training. But my intuition keeps holding me back, it doesn't feel right. I love my job and I know there is something more for me to learn from it, now is not the time for me to be leaving.

And then my rational mind comes in with all its' helpful insights. Maybe I don't want to leave my job because I am comfortable and I really hate job hunting. Maybe I don't want to get a new job because I'm afraid of failing. Maybe... Maybe... over and over and over (I hate when it plays the devil's advocate with itself). They are all valid concerns and I took time to look at them all to see if there was any truth to them. And again my intuition kept telling me to take it slow and be certain, and I wasn't really certain about anything. Which led me down a dark tunnel.

I started to feel like I had failed. I had made too many bad choices and there was no coming back from the horrible mess I'd made of my life. I had become the disappointing child, which was always my brother's role until he got a really good job, got married and had the cutest baby girl in the world. This was new territory for me and I did not like it. It made making decisions even harder; would this just be one more regret? But I kept on going with my life. Being pleasant and engaged at work, hanging out with friends and family on the weekends, and generally having a lot of fun; but there was still this undercurrent of disharmony in me. 

Then a long-time friend asked if I wanted to grab brunch and pop into Banyan Books, of course I did! She wanted to look at tarot cards. Really? I said, Want to do a reading for me? haha... Sure! she said. Well, ok then! A lot of stuff came out of that reading, and some tears, but what has really stuck with me is that I DO need to go slow right now. This is not the time for big decisions or life changes, that was what the past 3 years were all about. Now it is time to chill out and stop rushing from one thing to the next, to just STOP. It's going to be pretty uncomfortable for you, she said. It already is, I replied. It's going to get worse. Awesome, cue tears.

The thing is, it's actually gotten a lot easier for me. Knowing that my intuition was right, as it usually is, and that not taking action is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. A lightness of spirit has settled over me as I no longer have to stress about finding another job or another course to dive into, I get to enjoy the summer (if it ever comes to Vancouver) and my 4 day work weeks without guilt or regret. To be affirmed that what I already knew inside was right for me at this place in time has been so calming to my restless spirit.

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